Wordless Wednesdays:What were your thoughts on this story? (comment below please)

Adrienne & Kevin's Battle Against Infertility

Hey luvs!

I’m not sure about you all but this National Infertility Awareness Week mini-serious has been very informative and emotional for me. These journeys are real, the courage is remarkable, and the strength the couples have shown is just...Unbelievable. I’m beyond grateful that Life With An External HeartBEAT was able to share their stories with you all. After all, they too are living life with heartbeats theirs are just the kind we like to call angels:).

With that being said, I thought it would be best to end this mini-serious on a high note by sharing this powerful video I received from a former co-peep and his wife who were triumphant in their battle against infertility. I remember their struggle like it was yesterday, so this video truly made my heart smile and brought tears to my eyes. Knowing their hearts I found the message to be very motivational as I know things worked out exactly how they were meant to be for them. 

Enjoy...

Follow Up from Kevin...

The “ironic” thing about this is that right after we did this we got a call the very next week from Jacob’s birth-mother and were blessed with two wonderful birth-parents that we’ve had a great relationship with in an open adoption. we finalized on 12/17 on the day we both sold our townhouse and bought the home we moved into in Jan (talk about blessings).

Fellow HeartBEATS

If nothing else I hope that this series has been enlightening for you all by,making you more aware of what the families struggling with infertility is going through. For those of you that are already parents I hope these testimonies have brought you closer to your children.

Nina's Battle Against Infertility Part III

Moving Forward After…

My heart was now broken and I was down and depressed. Not only did I have this going on, we had to drive 12 hours to Rochester to visit our family for Christmas. I had to put on a brave face to see everyone celebrate Christmas with their families and open gifts. The hard part was that all of my husband’s family did not know because we had planned to tell them when we got there. I had no interest in celebrating anything, all I wanted to do was sleep. I started telling myself that I was ok. That everything was alright, but I was far from ok. I was hurting behind the smile that I put on every day. I felt embarrassed because I had told all of these people that we were expecting and then I had to tell them that now I was no longer pregnant. 

Surrounded by heartache with the loss of my maternal grandmother in November and my paternal grandmother in January, it took everything in me not to give up. Not just on trying to conceive, but on everything. I was in a place that was very dark, and pretty scary to be honest. Everyone that I loved dearly was being taken from me and yet I could not get one little glimmer of hope. I was angry. I was hurt. I was broken. Yet, I clung to my faith with all of my might. God saved me. He placed people around me to help me see that joy was all around me. In the little things that I had some how forgot while being so focused on conceiving. I forgot to cherish the moments I had with those who were still in my life, precious moments with my husband, making memories with my family and my friends. I learned to let go and truly let God have His way. I questioned why me, why did I have to go through this. I soon realized that He knows better than I do and I started to embrace where I am in this journey. So I decided to use my voice to support others who are embarking on this journey or already in the midst of their journey.

What Now?

My husband and I chose to take some time off before we decided to do a frozen embryo transfer. We only have one embryo so we did not want to rush into it with all of the stress around us. We also decided that we would go through the next step on our own, without telling everyone around us because the disappointment was hard on us and those around us as well. Right now we are focusing on closing on our first home and enjoying our time together. Prayer has helped me get to this point. I also believe that music has been a part of my healing. So I will share this with you as we all continue to move forward in our journey through life. Thanks!

Nina

Here I am, I’m still standing

Here I am after all I’ve been through

I’ve survived every toil

And every snare I’m alive, I’m alive

Here I Am – Marvin Sapp 

Fellow HeartBEATS

As I stated at the end of Amanda's battle I honestly can’t imagine the amount of courage it took for her and Nina to share such an intimate journey with us. Please wish Nina and her hubby all the best in becoming future parents. Their journey hasn’t been easy but I’m truly hopeful it will be worth it in due time.

As always this is a communal space so if there is anyone else battling against infertility, and would like to share your story please feel free to email me atexternalheartbeat@gmail.com

Nina's Battle Against Infertility Part II

The Solution. So We Thought!

We had our first office visit with my OB/GYN doctor in 2006. I first had to undergo a procedure called a hysterosalpinogram (HSG) which is an x-ray test that uses a contrast material to check for injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes. This test was normal. My husband had to provide a sperm sample for Semen Analysis. His counts were not the greatest, but they were not horrible. So we tried the medication Clomid alone, then along with intrauterine insemination (IUI) for 6 cycles with no luck. I eventually had a procedure called a Pelviscopy done a few years later to check and make sure that I did not have any adhesions or abnormalities that could not be picked up by ultrasound alone. It is a laparoscopic procedure where a long thin scope was placed through small incisions on my abdomen and my belly button. This was normal as well. After all of this we were referred to a specialist at a Fertility Clinic. So we continued on with new medications and IUIs, then injectable medications and IUIs. They were all unsuccessful. 

So, here we were now in the year 2012 and the next step in our journey would lead us to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Our insurance did not cover the cost of IVF so we now faced a major decision. One cycle of IVF would cost us around $7000. That was not including the cost of the medications required during one cycle which can be around another $2500. So we decided to postpone our dream of becoming parents until after we relocated from Rochester, NY to Charlotte, NC and were settled. Through the grace of God I found a job through an organization that would cover my IVF treatments after working there a year. I would still have to pay a copay for the procedure and for my medications, which was nothing compared to what I could have paid. In October 2013 we started our IVF process after completing blood work, genetic testing, and a semen analysis for my husband. Now the true test of my strength would begin. There are five basic steps in the IVF and embryo transfer process which include: 

• Monitoring and stimulating the development of healthy egg(s) in the ovaries, collecting the eggs
• Securing sperm
• Combining the egg(s) and sperm together in the laboratory and providing the appropriate environment for fertilization and early embryo growth
• And lastly transferring the embryo(s) into the uterus. 

I created calendars to write down all of the medications I had to take, injections I had to give myself (some nights included three injections into my abdomen). I wrote down all of the appointments for blood work and ultrasounds in order to check my progress. I was very diligent, always on time, afraid to make a mistake. Taking injections with me to dinner at restaurants and injecting them into my abdomen in the bathroom so I gave it at the correct time. I had several alarms programmed on my phone to help me remember what time I had to give or take each medication. On my birthday, December 3, 2013 I celebrated my birthday under anesthesia. My eggs were now ready for retrieval through a minor surgical procedure that uses ultrasound imaging to guide a hollow needle through my pelvic cavity. My eggs were aspirated from my ovaries. They now had 11 eggs from my ovaries. After my eggs and my husband’s sperm were combined we had 8 good embryos left. I returned on December 8th for my embryo transfer. The process involves a speculum which is inserted into the vagina to expose the cervix. With my embryo suspended in fluid and guided by ultrasound it was gently placed through a catheter into my womb. My doctor only transferred one embryo and we planned on freezing the rest for later procedures when we were ready to try again. That day we received our first baby picture. A picture of our little embryo that was ready to be transferred. We also learned that we only had one remaining embryo that was ready to be frozen. The next phase of the cycle can actually be the most stressful time when you are trying to relax. It is known as the two week wait. 

Our wait was finally over on December 17th when my husband and I listened together to a voicemail from our IVF nurse. We were pregnant, for the first time in almost 9 years of trying. We were elated. Excited I told all of my close friends, my mom, my sister, and my co-workers who knew every step of the process as I was going through it. On December 19th I had to go back in for follow-up blood work to make sure that my hormone levels were doubling. To my surprise, when I received the voicemail from the IVF nurse about the results they were not what I had expected. I did not prepare myself for this. I was crushed. Our levels had dropped and it was considered a chemical pregnancy. Now I had to tell my husband and I was at work so my co-workers found out and just about my entire office was in tears. That was a really hard and trying day. I felt like I was going to die because the pain was so severe. My heart literally hurt. 


Thanks for reading and don't forget to come back tomorrow to find out what's next for Nina and her hubby

Nina's Battle Against Infertility

Happy Monday Loves!

National Infertility Awareness Week ended on the 26^th, but after sharing Amanda’s story I received another story that is near and dear to my heart so I just had to share with you all. I’ve known the couple you are about to meet since my freshmen year of high school, yet it wasn’t until I started this blog that I realized they had their own battle with infertility. From the outside looking in their marriage has a solid foundation, and appears that they are the perfect couple. You see them and think they are the cutest couple ever because the bond between them radiates and you know they have the kind of love people dream about.

So how could it be that they too have suffered from infertility? Find out now by reading their journey below...

My Testimony 

Hi. My name is Nina G. of Finding Joy inFertility and I am looking forward to sharing my Infertility journey with you all. I have enjoyed reading Sheena’s blog and Facebook posts about baby O. I appreciate her honesty, her sense of humor, and her vulnerability at times. I recently contacted Sheena in regards to possibly starting a blog of my own in the hopes of sharing my Infertility journey. After talking things over with my husband, who is very private, he told me that if sharing our journey helped me to heal my broken heart then he was all for it. Yes, I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and beaten into tiny little pieces. In other words, I was hurting in silence and refused to allow this pain to consume me. I knew that opening up and sharing would not be easy, but it would be worth it if I could help anyone who was going though a journey of their own. So here I am, ready to share with you my journey of Infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week.

The Beginning

My husband and I started dating when I was in the 9^th grade. We literally grew up together. We decided to get married in December of 2004, four years after I graduated high school. Through difficult times and struggles we always had each other. We would talk about starting a family and becoming parents, but we never imagined that it would be the hardest thing our relationship and marriage would face. Infertile couples are three times more likely to divorce. Sometimes, the void of not having a child causes so much damage and strain on the relationship that the couple decides to end it. Thankfully, our story did not end in divorce. The pressure placed on a woman of child-bearing age can also take a toll on you when no one knows that you have started trying and nothing seems to be happening. Early on in our journey, one of my biggest fears was that my youngest cousin would have a child before I did. Well, now she has two children and I am the only one in my immediate family sitting here childless. I’m far from bitter, it just hurts a little every time that it is not me who is sharing good news. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me. I tried to do things the “right” way. I was married to my best friend, I graduated with my Bachelors degree in Nursing, and I had a career working as a Pediatric nurse. My menstrual cycles were normal, we were both healthy. I just did not understand and started to tell myself that I must have done something wrong, some how it had to be my fault. I felt like I was being punished by God. Every time I thought that I was pregnant and my period came I cried, every child’s party that I was overlooked made me sad, every Mother’s Day I spent without a child I cried. Still, I hid behind a smile and no one knew how bad I was hurting inside. I felt like I was slowly dying. I felt like if I could just be a mom I would not care if I had the latest clothes, the nicest car, or any materialistic things. I could have been stripped down to nothing and I would have been overjoyed with someone simply calling me mommy. Oh how my heart yearns to hear those words. I think I cried so much and so often that my husband almost became numb to it. It almost became a part of who I was. He probably expected me to cry because I did so very often. So we knew that we would have to seek help in trying to find a solution to our problem.

Thanks for reading and don't forget to come back tomorrow to find out if there's a solution for Nina and her hubby

Amanda's Battle Against Infertility (Part II)

IUI Round 1

IUI, or Intrauterine Insemination, is the gateway assisted reproductive technology (ART) treatment for many people dealing with infertility.  It is also rarely covered by insurance as only 13 states have infertility mandates, and at the time we were not in one of those states.  However we knew that if we didn't give it a go we would regret it, and so we placed our prescription order and put in our requests for time off.  The medication was the same, and so were the side effects leading to the wonderful "Chloe" nickname to explain the oh-so-lovely personality change I had.  When it came time for our IUI we headed over the river to Maryland, with my husbands contribution cup under my shirt in order to keep the swimmers as close to body temperature as possible.  As with HSG, IUI treatments require a catheter being inserted thru the cervix but in place of the dye, "washed" sperm are sent down the tube cutting their journey time in half while reducing the chances of chemical damage from cervical mucus (yes, they check the pH and yes it's as awkward as you think).  The washing process basically insures that only the best of the best sperm are allowed to attempt to fertilize the egg, no weak/deformed swimmers allowed in this gene pool!  Once again my hubby produced Super Sperm with post-wash numbers that were graded by the nurse as A+++.   Again I started the progesterone supplements and again dealt with swelling and bloating, and again we received a big fat negative (BFN) when it came time for our BETA. 

Cancelled Cycle

At this point we had already decided to go forward with the recommended 3 IUIs, and it was during this time frame we decided it would be in our best interest to jump the Potomac in to Maryland - one of the states with an infertility mandate.  Meanwhile we paid for IUI #2 and I went for my baseline CD 3 apt, which was disastrous.  Even though Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome had been ruled out pre-RE, the nurse doing my transvaginal ultrasound found 4 cysts, 2 on each ovary, and blood tests confirmed that they were estrogen producing - cancelling IUI #2.  This settled our resolve to move to a state with infertility coverage, for while it wouldn't stop the emotional roller coaster at least we could start controlling the financial aspects.  Within a few weeks my husband was offered his dream position, and while at my annual gaming convention, we sold our house for more than asking in under a week!  For the first time in a long time things were starting to look up, we had infertility coverage on the way and the selling price of our house gave us a great nest egg to use on treaments.  When I returned from the trip I was sick as a dog and chalked it up to the "ConBug", until my fertility app sent me a reminder that I was Late.  A (male) coworker even asked me if I was pregnant after noting that my boobs were huge (his words, not mine), something I had been chalking up to all the fertility treatments and associated hormones.  A quick test confirmed it, with two lines popping up before I could fully get the lid on. I shot an email to my boss that I would be late for work, and went to my RE for a blood test.  That afternoon I got the call we had been longing for - a doctor was confirming that YES we were pregnant.  I did a happy dance in my cubicle and started planning fun ways to tell my husband that it was really happening, all of which went out the door when he got home from work as I just blurted it out.  That weekend we continued our house search, laughing at how one of the reasons for the move was no longer valid.  I went for a blood test on Monday morning, and that afternoon set up a meeting to talk to my boss about my upcoming move and what kind of role I could have in the company.  During that meeting my RE's office called and my world fell apart - my pregnancy hormones had dropped to a non-viable level leading to chemical pregnancy #3.  

Back to IUI

After taking a month off to recover, physically and emotionally, we were ready to try again.  By this point I was working and living in VA while my husband was in MD, starting his new job and finalizing everything on our new house.  I started the medication for IUI #2 the day before giving my notice at work, and while I was sad to be leaving my coworkers I was thrilled to be leaving a place that had become filled with painful memories.  IUI #2 ended with another BFN, and IUI #3 followed the next month with the same results.  By this point the holidays were fast approaching and we decided to take at least a month off before embarking on IVF.  The plan was to start IVF #1 at the end of December, taking advantage of our new insurance before a few of the medications would no longer be covered.  Yet that was not to be, as my period decided to arrive three days early, during the time in which my RE's office was closed for annual inspection.  Another month off it was, which allowed us time to relax and just enjoy being together without the stress of needles, pills, and catheters.    

IVF 

When most people think of infertility treatments, IVF is generally where their minds go.  Even if they are saying artificial insemination (IUI), the process they describe is more often than not invitro fertilization (IVF) and this the BIG MOMMY of fertility treatments.  Nothing is simple about this process and it makes holding down a full time job a pain in the rear as there are apts almost every day for a week or more plus it requires multiple days off and the ability to administer medication at work.  For IUI everything is done either first thing in the morning, or post-dinner, while with IVF portions of it are smack in the middle of the day.  Since our move I hadn't found full time work, so I decided to starting subbing in the local county as it offered the flexibility I needed along with some extra money to put towards our treatment.  Our first Box o'Drugs arrived in the middle of January and it was massive, requiring our full dining room table with an inserted leaf to hold everything.  I was going to be taking at least two shots a day for up to two weeks plus a variety of pills and suppositories after the transfer.  Unlike TI and IUI, IVF is a complete override of your natural system and for many women it begins with birth control pills (oh the irony) in order to reset the clock.  My clotting issue meant we would skip the pills and begin with my next cycle, which resulted in my first appointment happening on January 24th.  This baseline apt began like all the others, starting with blood work and then followed by a transvaginal ultrasound to insure no cysts.  However the ending was vastly different as I was given a quick shot class, to include a how-to guide on mixing medications and finding the right spot.   I was officially cleared that afternoon and got my first two shots after dinner.  I went for my follow-up apt on CD7, and was told all was looking good!  The follow-up call in the afternoon confirmed what the ultrasound tech had told me, and I was told to add my third daily shot in the morning.  This morning shot was the first hiccup in my IVF journey as unlike the other ones it was time sensitive, so I had to pick a time that I was 100% certain would work which resulted in waking up way earlier than I desired in order to get the shots in before my 7AM apts.  I had additional apts on days 9 and 10 - before getting the go ahead to trigger at 915PM on February 2nd. Unlike the other shots and triggers this one required my husband's assistance as it needed to hit a target not easily reached.  After a good 5 minute panic attack, the shot was finished and I waddled off to bed.  Another LARGE difference between IUI and IVF is that once the trigger shot is administered there is to be NO sex until the transfer - and that includes what my mom still refers to as "Bill Clinton sex".  The next day was an "off day" - no apts, no medications, just instructions to drink lots of water and attempt to relax.  The following morning started early with nerves and excitement, and off we went to get our eggs harvested.  Sedatives were given and I awoke to my husband's smiling face and a happy nurse telling us that 18 eggs had been retrieved!  15 eggs had been our goal number so we were elated to hear that my ovaries had gone over that, however we found out the next day that while 18 had been collected only 15 were mature and of those mature eggs only 7 had been successfully fertilized.  With IVF each egg is given its own petri dish and then a few hundred thousand sperm are added to the dish, and generally 80% of eggs are fertilized.  In our case, I was producing eggs with hard shells which resulted in a 40% fertilization rate and being told that if there was a next time we would be using ICSI which injected a single (tail-less) sperm in to each egg.  I was praying hard there wouldn't be a next time as my body was not enjoying the after effects of the retrieval.   I was a tired, sore, cranky, swollen, constipated mess - and my stress levels just kept going up as we continued to get the results.  Of our 7 fertilized embryos all 7 were still growing the morning of day 2, giving us hope of a day 5 transfer which is the ideal transfer day.  However late that same afternoon we got a call telling us that 4 of our embryos had stopped growing and that I was going to need to do a day 3 transfer.  Within 24hrs I was back in the stirrups and 2 little embryos were being inserted in to my waiting uterus.  We were told that we had a 70% chance of implantation and around a 25% chance of twins, all based on the grades of the embryos - and I was told that while my husband was now open to "release" I was still in the land of no sex and would be for 72hrs.  I started taking my pills and suppositories - figuring out which schools in Baltimore had the largest faculty bathrooms in order to administer the post lunch dose. After 14 anxious days I decided to take a home pregnancy test and was once again delighted to see two lines pop up - which I confirmed by taking two more tests.  I had a blood draw the next day but the afternoon phone call was full of doom and gloom in that my pregnancy hormones were not high enough to suggest a viable pregnancy.  A second blood draw was scheduled and I knew as soon as I heard the voice of my RE, and not the nurse, that I was having another CP.  We were told to schedule a recurrent loss panel (RLP) apt when we were ready, and that we would need to take off at least month.  A few days later my IVF pregnancy was officially over, and I was scheduling more tests to see if something unusual was at play for while I was tested at the start of the journey some problems are so rare - and the tests so expensive - that they are only administered as part of a RLP.   While one test did come back positive, on its own it was not enough to explain why we had suffered three official chemical pregnancies.  

Now

So where does that leave us?  We just finished what became a mini-IVF cycle (medication & retrieval but no transfer) and hope to begin another IVF round within the week.  The only option we have left is getting our embryos genetically screened, which is a lot easier said than done.  The test can only be done on a blastocyst, which is where an embryo should be on day 5 - a milestone we didn't reach on IVF #1.  With our first mini-IVF we only got 1 viable blastocyst (17 retrieved, 12 mature, 10 fertilized, 3 blasts, 1 viable) and the statistics/costs involved with the genetic testing are such that sending less than 4 isn't advisable.  We are also reaching the end of our infertility prescription coverage, but I have been offered a FT job that does provide infertility benefits (thank you again Maryland!).  However we are reaching the end of our medical options.  If none of our blasts pass the genetic screening then this is the end of our infertility journey.  If the genetic screening shows a chromosome problem then we can explore donor eggs, but we have no insurance coverage for that and the costs are well north of $20k for what is a 40% chance of success.  If our blasts do come back "normal", and one is transferred, and we have another miscarriage than the most likely answer is for some unknown reason my body can't handle a pregnancy which leaves gestational surrogacy - something that costs around $80k with similar odds of success. We have started contacting adoption agencies, something that I had been drawn to pre-infertility days and it's possible that our child is currently being carried by another woman.  I still have faith that we'll become parents, and while the journey is taking much longer than we ever could have imagined and filled with more heartbreak than we ever thought possible I know that one day I will hold my child in my arms.

Fellow HeartBEATS

Reading this and reflecting back to when she first informed me her infertility battle I can’t imagine the amount of courage it took for Amanda share that with me. I’m beyond grateful that she not only shared it with me but also choose to share it here with you all.  Please wish her and her hubby all the best in becoming future parents. Their journey hasn’t been easy but I’m truly hopeful it will be worth it in due time.

As always this is a communal space so if there is anyone else battling against infertility, and would like to share your story please feel free to email me at externalheartbeat@gmail.com