Nina's Battle Against Infertility Part III

Moving Forward After…

My heart was now broken and I was down and depressed. Not only did I have this going on, we had to drive 12 hours to Rochester to visit our family for Christmas. I had to put on a brave face to see everyone celebrate Christmas with their families and open gifts. The hard part was that all of my husband’s family did not know because we had planned to tell them when we got there. I had no interest in celebrating anything, all I wanted to do was sleep. I started telling myself that I was ok. That everything was alright, but I was far from ok. I was hurting behind the smile that I put on every day. I felt embarrassed because I had told all of these people that we were expecting and then I had to tell them that now I was no longer pregnant. 

Surrounded by heartache with the loss of my maternal grandmother in November and my paternal grandmother in January, it took everything in me not to give up. Not just on trying to conceive, but on everything. I was in a place that was very dark, and pretty scary to be honest. Everyone that I loved dearly was being taken from me and yet I could not get one little glimmer of hope. I was angry. I was hurt. I was broken. Yet, I clung to my faith with all of my might. God saved me. He placed people around me to help me see that joy was all around me. In the little things that I had some how forgot while being so focused on conceiving. I forgot to cherish the moments I had with those who were still in my life, precious moments with my husband, making memories with my family and my friends. I learned to let go and truly let God have His way. I questioned why me, why did I have to go through this. I soon realized that He knows better than I do and I started to embrace where I am in this journey. So I decided to use my voice to support others who are embarking on this journey or already in the midst of their journey.

What Now?

My husband and I chose to take some time off before we decided to do a frozen embryo transfer. We only have one embryo so we did not want to rush into it with all of the stress around us. We also decided that we would go through the next step on our own, without telling everyone around us because the disappointment was hard on us and those around us as well. Right now we are focusing on closing on our first home and enjoying our time together. Prayer has helped me get to this point. I also believe that music has been a part of my healing. So I will share this with you as we all continue to move forward in our journey through life. Thanks!

Nina

Here I am, I’m still standing

Here I am after all I’ve been through

I’ve survived every toil

And every snare I’m alive, I’m alive

Here I Am – Marvin Sapp 

Fellow HeartBEATS

As I stated at the end of Amanda's battle I honestly can’t imagine the amount of courage it took for her and Nina to share such an intimate journey with us. Please wish Nina and her hubby all the best in becoming future parents. Their journey hasn’t been easy but I’m truly hopeful it will be worth it in due time.

As always this is a communal space so if there is anyone else battling against infertility, and would like to share your story please feel free to email me atexternalheartbeat@gmail.com