Wordless Wednesday: Fire Woman Liv

What A Difference...

So last night during the normal Brown house dinner time shenanigans where Liv sits on my lap, I try to eat over her, when she is digging her hands in our plates, taking her bits of food, trying to feed me, and yelling OFF CoCo (In my liv voice). I could help but think...What a difference a few months make in a toddlers life.  Over the last few months Liv has become her own little person and 20 months has definitely been where it’s at with my tiny tot.

Not only has she found her voice and a ton of words, I can totally carry on a conversation with her. Of course, there are the times that she babbles endlessly and get super hyped about the story she’s telling and NO ONE understands her but, guess what those times are rare. I no longer have to be afraid that if Dom and I leave her with others they won’t understand her because everyone who encounter Liv these days...Speak Liv lol. Oh and let me tell you she also eats much better than before. Y’all remember my Battle ofWheels post I wrote a few months back well the battle is over. She ask for the foods she wants, and has the nerve to grab your hand and walk you too them sometimes.

I just love it and had to come share how amazed by my little toddler I am with you all. 

Fellow HeartBEATS

Do you ever sit back in amazement f your children?

Welcome to Montessori...

Today was my little heartbeat first day of Montessori school and I was a ball a nerves.

My love on the other hand had no clue what was going on and was just EXCITED that mommy was home when she woke up this morning.

So excited that it threw dada’ s morning routine OFF and had him rolling his eyes at me even after we dropped her off lol.

Who knew mama being there to see her off would result in no Spanish lesson, no morning pictures, and lots of tears?  Whelp! Maybe I should have expected that but I just couldn’t miss her first day in her new environment.  I just couldn’t so, I was there snapping iphone pics, fixing hair, holding, hugging, and kissing my baby.

And after sneaking a few photos in at the house, we headed off to school where I watched these two walk in the school like they owned the place.

Everything was going great until she realized I was there.  Then she LOST it. It was HORRIBLE. Like the teacher had to pry her out of my arms horrible. Y’all already know I cried like a baby when I got back to the car and can’t stop thinking about how she’s doing :-(

Vacation Nerves

Happy Friday Luvs!

I’ve hinted that I’m going on vacation but the fact of the matter is the hubby and I are headed on vacation...just the two of us without our sweet Liv. Like headed to an adult only resort where she isn't even invited if I wanted her to come :-(

We're heading out of the country for the first time since we found out we were expecting and my nervous are shot.  Although, I’m leaving my external heartbeat in the care of my trusted cousin Meka and huge local and extended support system it hasn’t stopped my mom-xiety (sure did just make up my own wordJ). Since my Motther’s guilt post we haven’t spent more than a night away from one another and that night she was still with her dad. So, leaving her for the first time has had made me nervous about so many things like...

• How are we going to cope without each other (I’m sure she’ll do much better than me?)
• Will Meka be able to handle all of Liv’s energy for the two days she doesn’t have daycare?
• Did I brief Meka on everything she needs to know about caring for my external heartbeat?
• Did I leave enough cash for incidentals?
• Does daycare have enough milk and diaper to get through the week?
• How will I communicate with my baby each day?

I know these things seem small and she’s in good hands, but the short of it is I’m going to miss my baby like crazy.

I’ve been planning for this much needed vacation for some time now (so I thought anyway). Then this week came storming in and there wasn’t quite enough hours in the day to get everything done at work, for my house, for my Liv, and lastly for myself.  And to top it all off my veteran mom Mrs. Tabby hit me with the unthinkable by letting me know now that I’m a parent there’s are few documents may want to have in place in the event of an emergency.  To which my response was...

• Emergency?
• Huh?
• What’s that because in my world those just don’t happen?
• I can’t see it. Don’t want to hear it. And you better believe I am not thinking about it. But, go ahead and send me a copy of the documents and I’ll take a look at them.

Just the thought of a hypothetical emergency left me on the other end of the phone hyperventilating but, the truth is she’s exactly right. And you better believe that I’ll be at my bank getting everything notorized this afternoon. However, it’s another friendly reminder that the day my external heartbeat came into my world it changed forever.  The care free do whatever, whenever mentality I used to have no longer exist, and my world revolves around her...I wouldn’t have it any other way though.

On another note these little unthinkable documents Tabby mentioned are the last item on my to do list so I hope that once it’s complete I can relinquish myself from my mom-xiety and enjoy a little fun in the sun. See you all in about a week J

Wordless Wednesdays: Blurry Usies

Wordless Wednesdays: Morning Sunshine

Celebrating Dads

In lieu of Father’s Day this Sunday I want to take today and tomorrow to honor the dads of the world. 

This morning I woke up to the perfect article posted by my friend Jewelle on Facebook. Below are the highlights of the article that things dads do that we seem to take for granted because; we’re so wrapped up doing our mom thing. To see the full article click here

1.     Change diapers.

2.     Chauffeur their kids around.

3.     Cook.

4.     Dress their kids.

5.     Shower their kids with affection.

6.     Get out of bed in the middle of the night.

7.     Do their daughter’s hair.

8.     Their daughter’s nails too.

9.     Clean.

10.   Handle the kid’s baths.

11.   Do the family laundry.

12.   Volunteer at school.

13.   Be stay-at-home dads by choice.

14.   Do just fine when parenting solo.

15.   Care about their kid’s emotional well-being.

16.   Appreciate their kid’s mother.

17.   Worry about whether they’re doing a good job.

18.   Put family first.

19.   Get emotional.

I for one know my hubs do or have done a lot of these things. 

Trust me I know being a mom is a thankless job in which we often feel unappreciated by our children and spouse. However, that’s no reason not to thank the men in our lives for their efforts. So with that I’d like to thank my love...

Dear. Dominique (that’s the hubs),

Thank you so much for loving and caring for our daughter unconditionally. Thank you for being a present force in her life from day one and, establishing an unbreakable bond with her. Thank you for showing Olivia what it means to be and have a good man in her life.

You are teaching her indirect lessons that she will carry throughout her life lifetime and I’m forever grateful for all that you do for her.  And, although I may not say it on a daily basis I want to know that your hard work and love is noticed and appreciated.

Love,

Olivia and Sheena 

Little Miss Personality

Happy Monday Loves!

My apologies for going all MIA last week but I spent the week diligently working on another project (will share details soon) and by the time I came up for air it was the weekend lol.

Any who. I'm back like I never left and ready to share some updates. 

Baby O is officially 16 months and although there aren’t any major milestones to share there are some silent developments taking place.

What’s a silent development?

To me it’s the subtle changes that show growth that we often take advantage of. The ones we see but happening daily but because it’s not crawling, walking, or talking we don’t feel the need to share.

For instance my tiny tot has TONS of personality and I swear it crept up on us.

Honestly it didn’t I’ve been watching it develop since birth and, have been living a life of denial about it lol. And, now that she’s a little mover and shaker I can no longer hide the fact that I know which is cool...I guess. Because, at the moment the real question is what in the world am I going to do with her little strong, independent, determined, loving, and funny self? I totally didn’t expect all this at 16 months.

Wordless Wednesdays:T-Shirts Coming Soon

The Spirit Of Giving

Yesterday I shared the photos of my beautiful niece preparing to attend her junior prom (Bell Of The Junior Ball).  When her chosen look was revealed via text to me all I could do was smile and respond that she looked absolutely stunning.  I have several nieces (there are three others in addition to the two I informed you about in Letter To My Nieces), and this one is the very shy introvert of the group so, to see her come out of her shell and transform into this dashing beauty was just amazing. However, I didn’t share the photos with you guys to brag on how gorgeous my niece is (maybe a little part of me did) my overall purpose in sharing them was to tell you about her noble plans for the dress. The day after prom my niece and her mother decided that in lieu of just hanging the dress in the closet and, saving it for years to come they’d like to donate it to another young girl in need.

How AWESOME are they?

I can’t believe that her beautiful gown is up for grabs (free) with the only stipulation being they’d prefer that it goes to a family in need. The younger version of me would have never thought outside myself enough to do something like that for someone else (even though as an adult it became something I was passionate about). I’m super PROUD of the young ladies all my nieces are growing into and grateful for the realization that my journey has not been traveled in vain.

With that being said, I the dress is still up for grabs so please contact if you know a deserving young lady :)

Wordless Wednesdays:Bell Of The Junior Ball

Letter To My Nieces

Dear.Shai & Jannah,

Before I had a child of my own I had the two of you. At the tender age of 14 years old having my first two beautiful nieces born what felt like back to back (November and April) changed my world.  Seeing you ladies for the first time I knew I’d have to become a better me to be an aunt to you ladies. So, I got determined and worked my butt off to show you ladies that there was more to life than the city you were being raised in. At times I can recall feeling like a failure and asking God was all my hard work truly in vain (y’all stressed me and your parents out lol).  Being the first in our family to attend college (and one that was out of state at that) during the hard times I often regretted my decision to leave you ladies to attend school and pursue my dreams in another city. Not because it wasn’t important but, leaving you meant I wasn’t physically going to be there to watch you grow. To be the hands on aunt I wanted to be, to help you get through all your adolescent and teenage drama. I knew I’d miss your milestones yet, I had to hope my actions were serving a greater purpose.  Yes, I was only a phone call or plane ride away but still I felt like there was nothing like being there for you especially, with the absence of your father (at the time). So, I did my best to love, support, encourage, and teach you from a distance. 

I say all that to say, as I sit here typing this letter I can honestly say that my efforts didn’t go unnoticed. The two of you are 17 years young in the last month of your senior year of high school, you’re working part time jobs, and preparing to head to four year universities in the fall...I’m the HAPPIEST aunt on the planet.  Getting an acceptance letter to college may happen every day in some families but in ours it doesn’t. So, there are honestly no words to describe the way I felt when each of you shared the news of your appetence into your respective colleges with me.  The tears of joys I shed were, and the smile of hope that beamed across my face was unreal. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how...YOU LADIES MADE IT:).  And, through all of life’s trials and tribulations you were able to see that “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ― Maya Angelou and you pushed forward. Your journeys to get where you are today haven’t always been the most direct route but, I sat back watched, and gave guidance (when you requested) because it was your journeys to take.

This fall as you prepare to head to your respective colleges know that this is where life truly begins. The decisions you make from this moment on will follow you, build your character, show others your values, and most importantly shape you into the beautiful women I know you’ll become.  I urge you not take this journey lightly yet, embrace all that it has to offer while remaining true to you, and OWN it.  I couldn’t be more PROUD of how far the two of you have come and truly look forward to seeing what your futures hold.

Love you ladies to the moon and back.  

Adrienne & Kevin's Battle Against Infertility

Hey luvs!

I’m not sure about you all but this National Infertility Awareness Week mini-serious has been very informative and emotional for me. These journeys are real, the courage is remarkable, and the strength the couples have shown is just...Unbelievable. I’m beyond grateful that Life With An External HeartBEAT was able to share their stories with you all. After all, they too are living life with heartbeats theirs are just the kind we like to call angels:).

With that being said, I thought it would be best to end this mini-serious on a high note by sharing this powerful video I received from a former co-peep and his wife who were triumphant in their battle against infertility. I remember their struggle like it was yesterday, so this video truly made my heart smile and brought tears to my eyes. Knowing their hearts I found the message to be very motivational as I know things worked out exactly how they were meant to be for them. 

Enjoy...

Follow Up from Kevin...

The “ironic” thing about this is that right after we did this we got a call the very next week from Jacob’s birth-mother and were blessed with two wonderful birth-parents that we’ve had a great relationship with in an open adoption. we finalized on 12/17 on the day we both sold our townhouse and bought the home we moved into in Jan (talk about blessings).

Fellow HeartBEATS

If nothing else I hope that this series has been enlightening for you all by,making you more aware of what the families struggling with infertility is going through. For those of you that are already parents I hope these testimonies have brought you closer to your children.

Nina's Battle Against Infertility Part III

Moving Forward After…

My heart was now broken and I was down and depressed. Not only did I have this going on, we had to drive 12 hours to Rochester to visit our family for Christmas. I had to put on a brave face to see everyone celebrate Christmas with their families and open gifts. The hard part was that all of my husband’s family did not know because we had planned to tell them when we got there. I had no interest in celebrating anything, all I wanted to do was sleep. I started telling myself that I was ok. That everything was alright, but I was far from ok. I was hurting behind the smile that I put on every day. I felt embarrassed because I had told all of these people that we were expecting and then I had to tell them that now I was no longer pregnant. 

Surrounded by heartache with the loss of my maternal grandmother in November and my paternal grandmother in January, it took everything in me not to give up. Not just on trying to conceive, but on everything. I was in a place that was very dark, and pretty scary to be honest. Everyone that I loved dearly was being taken from me and yet I could not get one little glimmer of hope. I was angry. I was hurt. I was broken. Yet, I clung to my faith with all of my might. God saved me. He placed people around me to help me see that joy was all around me. In the little things that I had some how forgot while being so focused on conceiving. I forgot to cherish the moments I had with those who were still in my life, precious moments with my husband, making memories with my family and my friends. I learned to let go and truly let God have His way. I questioned why me, why did I have to go through this. I soon realized that He knows better than I do and I started to embrace where I am in this journey. So I decided to use my voice to support others who are embarking on this journey or already in the midst of their journey.

What Now?

My husband and I chose to take some time off before we decided to do a frozen embryo transfer. We only have one embryo so we did not want to rush into it with all of the stress around us. We also decided that we would go through the next step on our own, without telling everyone around us because the disappointment was hard on us and those around us as well. Right now we are focusing on closing on our first home and enjoying our time together. Prayer has helped me get to this point. I also believe that music has been a part of my healing. So I will share this with you as we all continue to move forward in our journey through life. Thanks!

Nina

Here I am, I’m still standing

Here I am after all I’ve been through

I’ve survived every toil

And every snare I’m alive, I’m alive

Here I Am – Marvin Sapp 

Fellow HeartBEATS

As I stated at the end of Amanda's battle I honestly can’t imagine the amount of courage it took for her and Nina to share such an intimate journey with us. Please wish Nina and her hubby all the best in becoming future parents. Their journey hasn’t been easy but I’m truly hopeful it will be worth it in due time.

As always this is a communal space so if there is anyone else battling against infertility, and would like to share your story please feel free to email me atexternalheartbeat@gmail.com

Nina's Battle Against Infertility Part II

The Solution. So We Thought!

We had our first office visit with my OB/GYN doctor in 2006. I first had to undergo a procedure called a hysterosalpinogram (HSG) which is an x-ray test that uses a contrast material to check for injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes. This test was normal. My husband had to provide a sperm sample for Semen Analysis. His counts were not the greatest, but they were not horrible. So we tried the medication Clomid alone, then along with intrauterine insemination (IUI) for 6 cycles with no luck. I eventually had a procedure called a Pelviscopy done a few years later to check and make sure that I did not have any adhesions or abnormalities that could not be picked up by ultrasound alone. It is a laparoscopic procedure where a long thin scope was placed through small incisions on my abdomen and my belly button. This was normal as well. After all of this we were referred to a specialist at a Fertility Clinic. So we continued on with new medications and IUIs, then injectable medications and IUIs. They were all unsuccessful. 

So, here we were now in the year 2012 and the next step in our journey would lead us to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Our insurance did not cover the cost of IVF so we now faced a major decision. One cycle of IVF would cost us around $7000. That was not including the cost of the medications required during one cycle which can be around another $2500. So we decided to postpone our dream of becoming parents until after we relocated from Rochester, NY to Charlotte, NC and were settled. Through the grace of God I found a job through an organization that would cover my IVF treatments after working there a year. I would still have to pay a copay for the procedure and for my medications, which was nothing compared to what I could have paid. In October 2013 we started our IVF process after completing blood work, genetic testing, and a semen analysis for my husband. Now the true test of my strength would begin. There are five basic steps in the IVF and embryo transfer process which include: 

• Monitoring and stimulating the development of healthy egg(s) in the ovaries, collecting the eggs
• Securing sperm
• Combining the egg(s) and sperm together in the laboratory and providing the appropriate environment for fertilization and early embryo growth
• And lastly transferring the embryo(s) into the uterus. 

I created calendars to write down all of the medications I had to take, injections I had to give myself (some nights included three injections into my abdomen). I wrote down all of the appointments for blood work and ultrasounds in order to check my progress. I was very diligent, always on time, afraid to make a mistake. Taking injections with me to dinner at restaurants and injecting them into my abdomen in the bathroom so I gave it at the correct time. I had several alarms programmed on my phone to help me remember what time I had to give or take each medication. On my birthday, December 3, 2013 I celebrated my birthday under anesthesia. My eggs were now ready for retrieval through a minor surgical procedure that uses ultrasound imaging to guide a hollow needle through my pelvic cavity. My eggs were aspirated from my ovaries. They now had 11 eggs from my ovaries. After my eggs and my husband’s sperm were combined we had 8 good embryos left. I returned on December 8th for my embryo transfer. The process involves a speculum which is inserted into the vagina to expose the cervix. With my embryo suspended in fluid and guided by ultrasound it was gently placed through a catheter into my womb. My doctor only transferred one embryo and we planned on freezing the rest for later procedures when we were ready to try again. That day we received our first baby picture. A picture of our little embryo that was ready to be transferred. We also learned that we only had one remaining embryo that was ready to be frozen. The next phase of the cycle can actually be the most stressful time when you are trying to relax. It is known as the two week wait. 

Our wait was finally over on December 17th when my husband and I listened together to a voicemail from our IVF nurse. We were pregnant, for the first time in almost 9 years of trying. We were elated. Excited I told all of my close friends, my mom, my sister, and my co-workers who knew every step of the process as I was going through it. On December 19th I had to go back in for follow-up blood work to make sure that my hormone levels were doubling. To my surprise, when I received the voicemail from the IVF nurse about the results they were not what I had expected. I did not prepare myself for this. I was crushed. Our levels had dropped and it was considered a chemical pregnancy. Now I had to tell my husband and I was at work so my co-workers found out and just about my entire office was in tears. That was a really hard and trying day. I felt like I was going to die because the pain was so severe. My heart literally hurt. 


Thanks for reading and don't forget to come back tomorrow to find out what's next for Nina and her hubby

Amanda's Battle Against Infertility (Part II)

IUI Round 1

IUI, or Intrauterine Insemination, is the gateway assisted reproductive technology (ART) treatment for many people dealing with infertility.  It is also rarely covered by insurance as only 13 states have infertility mandates, and at the time we were not in one of those states.  However we knew that if we didn't give it a go we would regret it, and so we placed our prescription order and put in our requests for time off.  The medication was the same, and so were the side effects leading to the wonderful "Chloe" nickname to explain the oh-so-lovely personality change I had.  When it came time for our IUI we headed over the river to Maryland, with my husbands contribution cup under my shirt in order to keep the swimmers as close to body temperature as possible.  As with HSG, IUI treatments require a catheter being inserted thru the cervix but in place of the dye, "washed" sperm are sent down the tube cutting their journey time in half while reducing the chances of chemical damage from cervical mucus (yes, they check the pH and yes it's as awkward as you think).  The washing process basically insures that only the best of the best sperm are allowed to attempt to fertilize the egg, no weak/deformed swimmers allowed in this gene pool!  Once again my hubby produced Super Sperm with post-wash numbers that were graded by the nurse as A+++.   Again I started the progesterone supplements and again dealt with swelling and bloating, and again we received a big fat negative (BFN) when it came time for our BETA. 

Cancelled Cycle

At this point we had already decided to go forward with the recommended 3 IUIs, and it was during this time frame we decided it would be in our best interest to jump the Potomac in to Maryland - one of the states with an infertility mandate.  Meanwhile we paid for IUI #2 and I went for my baseline CD 3 apt, which was disastrous.  Even though Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome had been ruled out pre-RE, the nurse doing my transvaginal ultrasound found 4 cysts, 2 on each ovary, and blood tests confirmed that they were estrogen producing - cancelling IUI #2.  This settled our resolve to move to a state with infertility coverage, for while it wouldn't stop the emotional roller coaster at least we could start controlling the financial aspects.  Within a few weeks my husband was offered his dream position, and while at my annual gaming convention, we sold our house for more than asking in under a week!  For the first time in a long time things were starting to look up, we had infertility coverage on the way and the selling price of our house gave us a great nest egg to use on treaments.  When I returned from the trip I was sick as a dog and chalked it up to the "ConBug", until my fertility app sent me a reminder that I was Late.  A (male) coworker even asked me if I was pregnant after noting that my boobs were huge (his words, not mine), something I had been chalking up to all the fertility treatments and associated hormones.  A quick test confirmed it, with two lines popping up before I could fully get the lid on. I shot an email to my boss that I would be late for work, and went to my RE for a blood test.  That afternoon I got the call we had been longing for - a doctor was confirming that YES we were pregnant.  I did a happy dance in my cubicle and started planning fun ways to tell my husband that it was really happening, all of which went out the door when he got home from work as I just blurted it out.  That weekend we continued our house search, laughing at how one of the reasons for the move was no longer valid.  I went for a blood test on Monday morning, and that afternoon set up a meeting to talk to my boss about my upcoming move and what kind of role I could have in the company.  During that meeting my RE's office called and my world fell apart - my pregnancy hormones had dropped to a non-viable level leading to chemical pregnancy #3.  

Back to IUI

After taking a month off to recover, physically and emotionally, we were ready to try again.  By this point I was working and living in VA while my husband was in MD, starting his new job and finalizing everything on our new house.  I started the medication for IUI #2 the day before giving my notice at work, and while I was sad to be leaving my coworkers I was thrilled to be leaving a place that had become filled with painful memories.  IUI #2 ended with another BFN, and IUI #3 followed the next month with the same results.  By this point the holidays were fast approaching and we decided to take at least a month off before embarking on IVF.  The plan was to start IVF #1 at the end of December, taking advantage of our new insurance before a few of the medications would no longer be covered.  Yet that was not to be, as my period decided to arrive three days early, during the time in which my RE's office was closed for annual inspection.  Another month off it was, which allowed us time to relax and just enjoy being together without the stress of needles, pills, and catheters.    

IVF 

When most people think of infertility treatments, IVF is generally where their minds go.  Even if they are saying artificial insemination (IUI), the process they describe is more often than not invitro fertilization (IVF) and this the BIG MOMMY of fertility treatments.  Nothing is simple about this process and it makes holding down a full time job a pain in the rear as there are apts almost every day for a week or more plus it requires multiple days off and the ability to administer medication at work.  For IUI everything is done either first thing in the morning, or post-dinner, while with IVF portions of it are smack in the middle of the day.  Since our move I hadn't found full time work, so I decided to starting subbing in the local county as it offered the flexibility I needed along with some extra money to put towards our treatment.  Our first Box o'Drugs arrived in the middle of January and it was massive, requiring our full dining room table with an inserted leaf to hold everything.  I was going to be taking at least two shots a day for up to two weeks plus a variety of pills and suppositories after the transfer.  Unlike TI and IUI, IVF is a complete override of your natural system and for many women it begins with birth control pills (oh the irony) in order to reset the clock.  My clotting issue meant we would skip the pills and begin with my next cycle, which resulted in my first appointment happening on January 24th.  This baseline apt began like all the others, starting with blood work and then followed by a transvaginal ultrasound to insure no cysts.  However the ending was vastly different as I was given a quick shot class, to include a how-to guide on mixing medications and finding the right spot.   I was officially cleared that afternoon and got my first two shots after dinner.  I went for my follow-up apt on CD7, and was told all was looking good!  The follow-up call in the afternoon confirmed what the ultrasound tech had told me, and I was told to add my third daily shot in the morning.  This morning shot was the first hiccup in my IVF journey as unlike the other ones it was time sensitive, so I had to pick a time that I was 100% certain would work which resulted in waking up way earlier than I desired in order to get the shots in before my 7AM apts.  I had additional apts on days 9 and 10 - before getting the go ahead to trigger at 915PM on February 2nd. Unlike the other shots and triggers this one required my husband's assistance as it needed to hit a target not easily reached.  After a good 5 minute panic attack, the shot was finished and I waddled off to bed.  Another LARGE difference between IUI and IVF is that once the trigger shot is administered there is to be NO sex until the transfer - and that includes what my mom still refers to as "Bill Clinton sex".  The next day was an "off day" - no apts, no medications, just instructions to drink lots of water and attempt to relax.  The following morning started early with nerves and excitement, and off we went to get our eggs harvested.  Sedatives were given and I awoke to my husband's smiling face and a happy nurse telling us that 18 eggs had been retrieved!  15 eggs had been our goal number so we were elated to hear that my ovaries had gone over that, however we found out the next day that while 18 had been collected only 15 were mature and of those mature eggs only 7 had been successfully fertilized.  With IVF each egg is given its own petri dish and then a few hundred thousand sperm are added to the dish, and generally 80% of eggs are fertilized.  In our case, I was producing eggs with hard shells which resulted in a 40% fertilization rate and being told that if there was a next time we would be using ICSI which injected a single (tail-less) sperm in to each egg.  I was praying hard there wouldn't be a next time as my body was not enjoying the after effects of the retrieval.   I was a tired, sore, cranky, swollen, constipated mess - and my stress levels just kept going up as we continued to get the results.  Of our 7 fertilized embryos all 7 were still growing the morning of day 2, giving us hope of a day 5 transfer which is the ideal transfer day.  However late that same afternoon we got a call telling us that 4 of our embryos had stopped growing and that I was going to need to do a day 3 transfer.  Within 24hrs I was back in the stirrups and 2 little embryos were being inserted in to my waiting uterus.  We were told that we had a 70% chance of implantation and around a 25% chance of twins, all based on the grades of the embryos - and I was told that while my husband was now open to "release" I was still in the land of no sex and would be for 72hrs.  I started taking my pills and suppositories - figuring out which schools in Baltimore had the largest faculty bathrooms in order to administer the post lunch dose. After 14 anxious days I decided to take a home pregnancy test and was once again delighted to see two lines pop up - which I confirmed by taking two more tests.  I had a blood draw the next day but the afternoon phone call was full of doom and gloom in that my pregnancy hormones were not high enough to suggest a viable pregnancy.  A second blood draw was scheduled and I knew as soon as I heard the voice of my RE, and not the nurse, that I was having another CP.  We were told to schedule a recurrent loss panel (RLP) apt when we were ready, and that we would need to take off at least month.  A few days later my IVF pregnancy was officially over, and I was scheduling more tests to see if something unusual was at play for while I was tested at the start of the journey some problems are so rare - and the tests so expensive - that they are only administered as part of a RLP.   While one test did come back positive, on its own it was not enough to explain why we had suffered three official chemical pregnancies.  

Now

So where does that leave us?  We just finished what became a mini-IVF cycle (medication & retrieval but no transfer) and hope to begin another IVF round within the week.  The only option we have left is getting our embryos genetically screened, which is a lot easier said than done.  The test can only be done on a blastocyst, which is where an embryo should be on day 5 - a milestone we didn't reach on IVF #1.  With our first mini-IVF we only got 1 viable blastocyst (17 retrieved, 12 mature, 10 fertilized, 3 blasts, 1 viable) and the statistics/costs involved with the genetic testing are such that sending less than 4 isn't advisable.  We are also reaching the end of our infertility prescription coverage, but I have been offered a FT job that does provide infertility benefits (thank you again Maryland!).  However we are reaching the end of our medical options.  If none of our blasts pass the genetic screening then this is the end of our infertility journey.  If the genetic screening shows a chromosome problem then we can explore donor eggs, but we have no insurance coverage for that and the costs are well north of $20k for what is a 40% chance of success.  If our blasts do come back "normal", and one is transferred, and we have another miscarriage than the most likely answer is for some unknown reason my body can't handle a pregnancy which leaves gestational surrogacy - something that costs around $80k with similar odds of success. We have started contacting adoption agencies, something that I had been drawn to pre-infertility days and it's possible that our child is currently being carried by another woman.  I still have faith that we'll become parents, and while the journey is taking much longer than we ever could have imagined and filled with more heartbreak than we ever thought possible I know that one day I will hold my child in my arms.

Fellow HeartBEATS

Reading this and reflecting back to when she first informed me her infertility battle I can’t imagine the amount of courage it took for Amanda share that with me. I’m beyond grateful that she not only shared it with me but also choose to share it here with you all.  Please wish her and her hubby all the best in becoming future parents. Their journey hasn’t been easy but I’m truly hopeful it will be worth it in due time.

As always this is a communal space so if there is anyone else battling against infertility, and would like to share your story please feel free to email me at externalheartbeat@gmail.com

Amanda's Battle Against Infertility

Hi Luvs!

For those of you who may not know this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and although I celebrate my blessing (Baby O) with you all daily I am aware that there are some couples who’d love to be blessed with a child of their own. This is why I reached out to a former co-peep/friend to see if she’d be willing to honor this week by sharing her battle with infertility. She graciously agreed so today and tomorrow I’ll be sharing her testimony, which I truly hope will be source of encouragement for some and educate others.

Her Testimony

Hi!  My name is Amanda E and I can normally be found blogging about vegetarian food over at DancingVeggies. Many moons ago I worked with Sheena and during that time I started opening up with her about the struggle my husband and I had been having conceiving.  In talking to Sheena, and a number of other awesome ladies, I started becoming more comfortable talking about our journey. This past week I have been sharing various infertility factoids on Facebook in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week which is why I quickly agreed to write this guest post when Sheena asked. Below is my story...

Pre-Infertility

My husband and I were wed in April of 2012 and we knew pre-wedding that we wanted kids - the sooner the better!  We did the "not trying, not preventing" thing for a bit while I investigated the best "methods" to get pregnant. Luckily I was working with a number of moms and one of them told me all about temping and tracking.  The best part was that this method was free, and didn't involve any strange fruits!  All I needed to do was download one of the many fertility tracking apps, I went with Fertility Friend, and take my temperature immediately upon waking.  This temperature is known as a person's basal body temperature (bbt) and in women it varies based on where you are in your cycle.  In finding out where in the month I had an ovulation dip, we were better able to pinpoint exactly which days were the MUST HAVE SEX days.  In my case this was around the 20th day of my cycle, marked by a very clear dip in temperature and followed by a fast rise.  Two cycles later, in October of 2012, I was pregnant!  However within two days I started bleeding and experienced what I learned was called a chemical pregnancy (CP).  We took time to collect ourselves but resolved to keep going, knowing that 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.  In late January of 2013 I had a very unusual period and after a blood test learned that I had experienced another chemical pregnancy.  At this time we had only been trying for 6 months but my OB/GYN realized that my husband and I needed help and sent us over to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), something that normally happens after a year of trying for people under the age of 34.  For folks 35+ a RE is normally recommended after 6 months of trying, while couples over 40 are told to go in ASAP.  So we went for our consultation and officially began our Infertility Journey on April 21, 2013 - the day before our 1st Anniversary.

The Beginning

Our first meeting easily ranks among the scariest most nerve wracking moments of my adult life.  We had no idea what to expect, and most importantly had no idea if they could help us.  After all, we had no problem getting pregnant; it was just staying that way.  To say that first meeting was eye-opening doesn't begin to cover it.  We learned that 1 in 6 couples suffer from infertility and that there is no one type of infertility.  We discussed all the types of treatment available, the (terrifying) costs associated with each, and the general timeline we were looking at.  From our first appointment it was made clear that as there is no one type of infertility, there is also no one treatment for infertility and that even if all known treatments were used there was still a chance that biological children wouldn't happen.  Eager to begin, we went from the consultation room to the lab where I had my first blood draw.  The first step was to figure out what was causing our infertility, in the hopes that it would be an "easy" fix.  My blood was sent off for kerotyping, to insure that I was chromosomally normal, and a full battery of genetic testing. The first sigh of relief came when my tests came back normal, outside of a known clotting issue, which doubled when my husband's blood test also came back clean. 

Getting Personal

Once the "easy" tests were done it was time to move on to the more intimate tests.  For my husband that meant a sperm analysis (SA), where his swimmers would be investigated to insure that they were the right quality and quantity.  We were beyond thrilled to learn that his swimmers were in the Michael Phelps category, acing the tests in quantity, mobility, and morphology.  I was up next, facing a test that I had read multiple horror stories about: the hysterosalpingogram (HSG).  I was sick to my stomach the morning of my apt, and instead of working up until my apt time, I was in the bathroom dry heaving with fear.  While most other tests are relatively painless to perform, the HSG test involves inserting dye in to the uterus and Fallopian tubes by threading a catheter up through the cervix.  There is no sedative, and unlike annual checkups there are generally no stirrups to help keep things were they should be - just a nurse (or two).  Even during my long drive to the apt I was debating cancelling it, or in the very least finding an open bar within walking distance of the clinic.  In the end I sucked it up, knowing that this test could eliminate/diagnosis a number of infertility issues including: misshapen uterus, blocked tubes, or endometriosis.  Since I had already had 2 CPs, though only the second one was officially counted by the RE as there was no clinical proof of the first one, it was suspected that my issue could be a poorly designed uterus.  In the end this test was like all the others - my reproductive system was practically perfect in every way. At this point we knew what it wasn't but still had no idea what it was, which is when we became part of the 20% of infertile couples that suffer from unexplained infertility.  The primary testing had ended, it was time for treatment.  

TI Time

After a much needed vacation, and some hardcore budgeting talks, we decided to start infertility treatments in early June of 2013.  Since we had no infertility coverage we elected to start with a medicated monitored Timed Intercourse (TI) protocol.  This treatment option meant we only had to pay out of pocket for the medications as the monitoring appointments were included under my standard ob/gyn coverage.  On days 3-9 of my cycle I took Clomid, going in for monitoring on days 3 and 7.  The side effects began on day 4, and it was at this point that I had to start opening up about what was going on.  From around the clock hot flashes to intense mood swings, it became apparent to those closest to me that something was up.  The slightest thing could set me off, including some idiot who didn't understand the concept of a maiden name.  Thankfully the mood swings stopped with the Clomid and the (self-administered) trigger shot on cycle day (CD) 10 was a walk in the park.  Since we were doing TI, there were no restrictions on being intimate - in fact it was HIGHLY encouraged!  I started taking progesterone supplements around CD 15 and quickly had to adjust my wardrobe to account for the water weight and breast growth.  We found out via a blood test (BETA) that our TI protocol did not work.  

We were devastated but after a few days of discussing our options, and further budget analysis, we decided to bite the bullet and try an Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) cycle. Yup! We finally accepted that we were going to need some form of medical intervention – and was praying that it would worth be the financial and emotional cost.  

Thanks for reading and don't forget to come back tomorrow to find out if IUI worked for Amanda